I Thought of You

I thought of you today, Mama, as I was sitting in a water park watching all of our stuff while the others played in the wave pool. I thought of you because this was what you did for us all the time.

I thought of you today, Mama, as little kids were crying because they were too hot and too tired to keep going through the park. I thought of the way you patiently bribed us with ice cream to get us to keep on keeping on.

I thought of you yesterday, Mama, after I had a hard day and pulled out the home videos. I thought of you and the way you wanted to document every part of our lives. I thank you for that because although I can’t see your face in all of them, I can hear your voice. Sometimes that’s all a girl needs.

I thought of you on Tuesday, Mama, and I swear I heard you laugh. Aunt Robin actually has a pink flamingo plate in her house because her granddaughter wanted it and she couldn’t say no. I heard you cackling because your antics haven’t ceased.

I thought of you this week, Mama, as I yet again felt like the scum of the earth because of others thoughts about my job. Some tell me you’d be proud of the way I care for the little ones, others think I’m such a disappointment. I wish I’d been able to call you.

I’ve thought of you a lot recently, Mama. I think about what our relationship would be like now. I think of the way you’d still be impacting kids lives in kindergarten. I think of the way you’d continually be pushing us towards Christ.

I’ve felt so far from Him, Mama. I’ve felt like I just continually messed up and that there’s no way He could keep loving me. He’s going to give up on me sometime, right?

But in those moments, I remember who I am in Him. I remember that nothing I could ever do will make Him stop loving me. I remember your unwavering faith in Him in the hardest parts of your life. You still found joy and comfort in Him and His perfect plan.

So I will too, Mama. I’ll remember the way you lived your life for Him and I will too. I’ll remember that He’s not done until He’s done. I miss you something awful, but I’m so thankful for your life and the shining example of what a follower of Christ looks like.

I’ll never stop thinking of you and missing you, Mama, but I’ll always be striving to have faith like you.